Wait, let us guess – new year, new you?
We thought it might be. It’s great, really. Congratulations.
Except that’s not the case. You have a hangover. Of course you are, it’s New Years Day.
You’ve got a hangover and you’re thinking about yourself. Your predictable hangover. Go yourself.
Need to take your mind off things? How about a good refreshing whiff of The News?
We promise you that in the end you won’t be thinking about your stinging headache, tumbling stomach, or collapsing nerves.
No, you will think of the sheer horror of it all. Relentless and ruthless horror.
Anyway, best wishes and all that.
Omicron: The recall
It would be really nice if we could start this weekly roundup without mentioning Omicron, but we’re where we are – and where we are is somewhere waist high in you-know-what.
The Guinness Book of World Records for Terrible Things have been rewritten several times in recent weeks. Cases now exceed 190,000 per day, more than double from a few weeks ago, and the testing system is struggling to keep up with demand.
The silver lining? The UK has approved a drug that may well claim “wonder drug” status. The antiviral pill reduced the risk of hospitalization and death by a staggering 89%.
But it looks like we’ll be riding the winter wave for a while – and the only way is available right now.
TL; DR: No one asked for more, but we got more.
A strange in Windsor
The Queen has had a long and difficult year and even the most vehement of Republicans could hardly blame her for a freezing Christmas.
Instead, his Christmas plans have been decimated by ill health and Covid (as ‘decimated’ as a plan can be when a ‘Windsor Castle party’ is the fallback) and a guest. very unwanted.
The safety of the monarch was forced into action when a man scaled the wall of the property armed with a crossbow. It was a terrifying incident to end a rather miserable year for the Queen.
Prior to that, she delivered a heartbreaking message to the nation that left millions with tears in their eyes long before the Baileys were even opened.
Speaking directly to the many families who have put down one less seat at the table this year, she added, “But life, of course, consists of final separations as well as early reunions.
“And as much as I miss me and my family, I know he would like us to enjoy Christmas.”
No, you are crying.
TL; DR: Can we all let the Queen have a nice day please?
Ghislaine Maxwell, the daughter of a British press baron who had every conceivable privilege in life, spent a period of her life helping a pedophile acquire young girls for abuse.
She denied everything until the end, but a jury found out her story and sentenced her on five counts related to her activities with Jeffrey Epstein.
Maxwell will almost certainly spend a lot of time in prison, possibly until the day he dies, for his crimes.
The case could have a major impact on Virginia Giuffre’s civil lawsuit against Prince Andrew, a procedure set to last a week in New York.
One of the charges Maxwell was convicted of was directly related to the crimes against Giuffre. Prince Andrew strenuously denies all the allegations made against him.
Her conviction is the final stage in a sordid and heartbreaking story that tells us something many more of us should have known much earlier about the world of rich men, vulnerable girls and abuse.
Whatever happens next, at least a few of them have had their day in court this week – and won.
TL; DR: A good day for survivors around the world.
Brexit raises its head
Look, we don’t want to be the ones telling you this, but Brexit is something you’re going to have to worry about again this week.
Stricter controls on goods moving between the UK and the EU come into effect on January 1, which, in short, removes the halfway house arrangements that were in place to avoid disruption after the messy divorce .
There could be problems on the horizon, with the British Frozen Food Federation warning that the changes could cause significant delays at ports.
At the same time, companies are also facing persistent problems in the logistics sector, including the shortage of heavy truck drivers.
What does it look like in practice? Well, the privilege of wasting a special afternoon of your life on this wonderful planet putting together a bookcase just got a little more expensive.
Meanwhile, in a move apparently designed to woo the DAMN THOSE MEDDLING BRUSSELS BUREAUCRATS crowd, the EU is set to ban colored ink in tattoos for security reasons.
So, we might see empty shelves again in the New Year, but our Union Flag tattoos will be brighter and bolder than ever before.
TL; DR: Tired of the Covid? A bit of Brexit.
And finally… A beautiful day in London
We imagine that you just might have one of those hangovers so devastating that you don’t quite know what to compare it to.
Get hit by a bus? Dragged through a hedge back? Sometimes reference descriptions are not enough.
How about that for your New Years special: feeling three feet tall and feeling like you’ve been nailed to your face by a guard on the march with hell behind your eyes and carrying a rifle.
Seems familiar? A hangover you need to make room for.
An unlucky tourist was treated to an object lesson in what looks like being an adult on New Years Day this week.
They were minding their own business when they were driven into the ground by a guard clearly unwilling to stop for anyone – man, woman or child.
Fortunately, the youngster was completely unharmed and bounced back like they do at this age.
Good luck to those of you who are praying that your own rebound happens as soon as possible.
TL; DR: Thoughts and prayers with the “toilet bowl day” crowd.
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